having it all

by Joy Wong

"Don't let anyone tell you that you can't have it all. You can have it all—you just can't have it all at the same time." A former female boss of mine used to quote this to me, and it always helped me adjust to the different transitions of my life, whether from college to post-college life, singlehood to marriage, or moving from the east coast to the west coast. Whenever I found myself lamenting a loss of any kind, I often reminded myself that each stage in life had its own unique set of losses and blessings.

However, lately I've been dealing with a dilemma that has been gnawing at me with persistence, but without resolution. As I approach the end of my seminary education, I've been observing my fellow male classmates take pastoral positions in their churches. All of a sudden, these friends with whom I used to consider myself at the same level--sharing notes, borrowing books, struggling through the stress of deadlines, discussing ministry concerns--have now been promoted to the position of "pastor." They wield positions of authority where they are able to speak truth into the lives of many, and make great influence for the kingdom of God within the church.

I contrast their career paths with my own. As my graduation approaches, the number of times I've been asked about my post-seminary career has nearly equaled the amount of times I've been asked when I'm going to have children. Having been married for 2+ years, either the question is asked, or at other times, I am simply told that "it is time to have kids." I am in no way offended or annoyed by the advice, but it does bring up conflicting desires within me. There is no clear solution to the incompatibility of my career aspirations and the expectations of raising a family. An atheist woman once advised me that having children was optional, but in the Christian church, it seems to be an expectation for married women.

For these very reasons, I've recently found it difficult to celebrate myself as a woman. I imagine myself sitting on the sidelines, my time completely occupied with raising a family, while others (mostly women without children or men of any age) get to fully participate in the church arena. I dread my future as a benchwarmer, with all the desire to be part of the action, but with no energy or opportunity—and the idea of it is heartbreaking. Along with all this come fears that my seminary education was a waste of money, or that God made a mistake making me a woman with all the "wrong" interests, abilities, and desires. As indignant as I am at anyone who suggests that church is a man's arena, I find myself fighting the same lies within myself.

However, in the deepest part of myself, I know that God is not One who makes mistakes. I find some comfort in the truth that there is a purpose and a design that I cannot see. I also believe firmly that God is the Creator of our identities, and that if I was made a woman, then that is something that I need to fully accept, embrace, and celebrate, as a reflection of our Creator God. But in all honesty, even with all this in mind, I still struggle.

As with most mind-boggling puzzles, perhaps the key to enlightenment is a paradigm shift. Maybe I need to see the arena of action not as the church, but rather as the kingdom of God in which mothers are fully participating—not as benchwarmers, but as key players. Perhaps some of us have tried too hard to compete with men, and we have not yet discovered how to find equal footing while being fully content with our identity as women. I don't know. The answers are unclear for me, and the future is hazy. Can we have it all? The answer may lie in the eyes of the beholder. Perhaps the real answer is that nobody can have it all—but that we each are allotted different gifts, skills, opportunities, and experiences, regardless of whether we are male or female.

At the very least, I cling onto this hope: that as I navigate the waters of the future in what seems like a thick, impenetrable fog, I am being led by God who sees and comprehends all that I cannot—and in whose goodness I can trust.

Joy Wong is pursuing a Masters of Divinity degree at Fuller Theological Seminary. Currently, she is the worship coordinator for the English congregation at Evangelical Formosan Church of Los Angeles. She and her husband live in Pasadena, California. To contact Joy, please send your inquiry to AAWOLblog@gmail.com.