can't hurt to ask

by Joy Wong

I was sitting in class where the topic of discussion was receiving from God. The professor pointed out that receiving from God should be so simple, like a child receiving a gift, but it is often complicated by adults. We often don’t trust the gift or the Giver, suspicious that the gift requires something in return. The professor then asked the rhetorical question, “What could be more precious than coming to God with our needs?”

Without fully understanding why, I found myself fighting back tears at his question. After class, I went to my apartment, let my tears out, and tried to make sense of my emotions. I knew I was often resistant to ask things of God. Memories of my childhood came flooding back to me – instances where I tried to avoid asking for too much by minimizing my needs. For instance, at Christmas, all my friends would ask their parents for expensive gifts, and I would only ask for something minimal and inexpensive, like stickers or candy. Perhaps this stemmed from my Asian American upbringing to avoid being a burden to others. In this case, not being a burden meant not wanting, needing, or asking for anything. There was also a safety in asking for so little – there was less of a chance that I would be disappointed. In addition, I remember taking pride in the fact that I was so easy to please.

Part of me wonders if this also came from my Buddhist heritage from a few generations ago. Buddhists believe that all suffering stems from desire; thus they try to eliminate desire. Perhaps I picked up habits and mindsets inherited from my ancestors. I also suspect that my Asian shame-based culture trained me to minimize my needs for the sake of the collective whole. Moreover, perhaps I have trouble believing in my inherent worth, so that I try to make myself valuable to others by being only a blessing and not a burden. For instance, for a college group icebreaker, I was once asked what fruit I’d want to be and why. My answer was that I wanted to be a seedless clementine – sweet and easy to peel, without any troublesome seeds. In essence, I wanted my life to bring only good to others, and for me, that meant minimizing my needs and desires.

After all these realizations, I began sensing the challenge to get into the habit of asking boldly, extravagantly, and outrageously of God. I am deliberately pushing myself to the extreme in order to compensate for my tendency not to ask. I know I risk disappointment, but I feel urged to ask nonetheless, and to allow God to say yes, no, or wait. In doing so, I am trusting God to accept me with loving arms, validating my whole being – not just the parts I feel are acceptable, but also the parts that I used to consider burdensome. After all, what could be more precious than coming to God with my needs?

As I embark on this new territory, I am recovering pieces of myself that I left behind in my life journey. I’m learning to love and accept all of myself – blessings, burdens, and all.

Joy Wong is pursuing a Masters of Divinity degree at Fuller Theological Seminary. Currently, she is the worship coordinator for the English congregation at Evangelical Formosan Church of Los Angeles. She and her husband live in Pasadena, California. To contact Joy, please send your inquiry to AAWOLblog@gmail.com.